notablog

Two Minds, a Tune

notafish — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 23:23:00 +0200

As time goes by
She thought
As time goes by
the lens of age makes it
just just just
a bit stranger
this much harder
and also
all so beautiful
It takes a tree,
a summer and its leaves
a thought,
a breeze
a hundred words and more,
or none.
As time goes by
the tune
and then the song.
Two minds,
attuned,
a tune.

– Two minds, a tune – 27 août 2021, à CC.

Time Zones Trickery (Part 2) - Practicing Inconvenience For a More Equitable Workplace

notafish — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 22:46:00 +0200

You remember how in my previous blog post I talked about care? I want to expand on care and its twin bothersome inconvenience.

In many conversations at our organization, there’s often a reproach of “US centrism”, or even “US West Coast centrism” when it comes to time zones (other things too, but we’ll stick to time zones now).

And it’s true.

How does West Coast Centrism manifest?

These observations are based on my experience working for an organization which had its main office in San Francisco until last March (the office is closed for now) and which has around 350 out of 500 of its employees in the United States. The center of power is definitely located on the West Coast of the United States (where most of our executives are).

Here are concrete examples:

Deadlines might be set on Friday nights, 18.00 San Francisco time. For me in Germany, Friday 18.00 in San Francisco is actually Saturday 3.00 in the morning. Working to meet a deadline with colleagues in San Francisco—expecting their feedback or them expecting mine—probably means working late into the night. For my colleagues in Bangalore or Singapore, that’s square into the weekend, 6.30 and 9.00 on Saturday respectively.
Announcements might be made mid-day San Francisco time, which means they land in inboxes in a lot of people’s evening. If it’s a “no frills” announcement, no problem! Getting stale news is less important. If it’s a complicated one, a difficult one, or an important one, then gut-reactions/discussions happen in real time, without all the people (probably about one third of our workforce) who are having dinner or sleeping. They wake up to a new organization, a new colleague, a new policy and they’ve never had a chance to express their surprise, happiness or disagreement in a timely fashion. It gives them the impression that their reactions don’t matter.
Call for feedback on important decisions might go with “Please give your feedback before EOD, when this goes out” (meaning, End of Day San Francisco time). This effectively shuts out people in other time zones to give feedback, and leaves the decision making always happening on the West Coast, or the United States.

This to state a few.

To adapt or not to adapt

As someone sitting in Germany, I have had to structure my work day outside of working hours (see a definition in Part 1). I have made the decision to set aside two days in the week where I will accept meetings up to 22.00 my time. Why? Because this effectively triples the available overlapping time with people on the West Coast of the United States. And while I’ve made this adaptation routine, it is still an inconvenience. It means no dinner with my kids. Or sometimes being hungry on a call and less focused.

Today, as I was speaking with one of my colleagues, I thought about this further. And I realized that it is actually easier for me to be inconvenienced, than it is to inconvenience someone. If I'm looking for the “lowest common inconvenience”, I have to think twice as much and do a lot of back and forth. I have other things to do with my time than to stalk people's calendars. In short, the inconvenience of having to battle for someone to be inconvenienced takes a bigger toll on me than my being inconvenienced in the first place. Are you still following?

On Privilege, Power and Inconvenience

A few months back, our organization took a crack at rethinking the Monthly All Staff meeting times to accommodate more time zones. We ended up rotating between the following times, which is a huge improvement from what we had before:

UTC times: 15:00 - 16:00 - 21:00 - 01:00

For the sake of illustration, however, let me translate what this means in various time zones (in bold, the convenient times).

Buenos Aires, São Paulo, Halifax (UTC-3): 12:00 - 13:00 - 18:00 - 22:00
New-York, Toronto, Santiago (UTC-4): 11:00 - 12:00 - 17:00 - 21:00
San Francisco, Seattle, Los Angeles: (UTC-7): 8:00 - 9:00 - 14:00 - 18:00
Johannesburg, Cairo, Paris, Copenhagen (UTC+2): 17:00 - 18:00 - 23:00 - 3:00
Bangalore, Mumbai, Kolkata: (UTC+5:30): 20:30 - 21:30 - 2:30 - 6:30
Bangkok, Jakarta (UTC+7): 22:00 - 23:00 - 4:00 - 8:00
Singapore, Taipei (UTC+8): 23:00 - 0:00 - 5:00 - 9:00
Sydney, Melbourne (UTC+10): 1:00 - 2:00 - 7:00 - 11:00

As you can see, some parts of the world never get to participate in that meeting during working hours, and others, well... do. Interestingly enough, the only time zone for which the times are always convenient is the West Coast of the United States. Four convenient times out of four. Our Indian colleagues never have a convenient meeting time, and Asia in general really drew the short straw.

Last week I listened to Adam Grant’s podcast Work Life. John Amaechi was a guest speaker and they discussed Building an Anti-Racist Workplace. John Amaechi put words to something I have toyed with for quite a while as I was thinking up this blog post. He talks about privilege in those terms (emphasis mine):

“Privilege is a hard concept for people to understand because normally when we talk of privilege we imagine immediate, unearned riches and tangible benefits for anyone who has it. But white privilege, and indeed all privilege, is actually more about the absence of inconvenience, the absence of an impediment or challenge. And as such, when you have it, you really don't notice it. But when it's absent, it affects everything you do.”

And that’s exactly it. In my world of working across time zones, privilege and power dictate whose calendar is the least inconvenienced. And because the organization’s power resides on the West Coast of the United States, people with less actual power in the organization, but who are located there also benefit from this state of affairs. Which may cause people to miss the issue entirely. A lot of people stay up late Eastward from San Francisco, I rarely see people in San Francisco staying up late, or getting up really early^[1]. There is also a strange unwritten rule that it is ok to book meetings late in the evening in people’s day, rather than very early in the morning, which favors the US West Coast^[2].

I talked about care before, and how important it is to talk to people. I stand by it. Care should not make any of us forget where power lies, and how it manifests in unexpected but real ways. By refusing to be inconvenienced, we perpetuate the powers that are, and implicitly expect that other people will make the necessary arrangements. Worse, we don’t even see that they make those arrangements.

The solution? Seek to be actively inconvenienced.

Here are a few tips to do that:

Make space in your calendar explicitly stating that these are for “other time zones”, at times you know others will be surprised and happy to find.
Do not wait for people to ask if they can book a meeting “at that time”, but tell them clearly, because there is a chance that depending on where they sit (location OR power structure), they will not trust themselves to ask.
Alternate recurring meetings if there are no convenient times for all, at a time that is inconvenient for each in turn. Even meetings where the ones inconvenienced are the majority. And when it's your turn to be inconvenienced, show up.
Do not, and I repeat, do not move recurring meetings that might be inconvenient for some people, because you don't know how much more inconvenient the meeting might be on another day. Especially not if it's a meeting with 20 people, and it's moved for one person. Or two.
Think about deadlines, announcements, anything that is time-bound with a hint of fairness. We can’t always accommodate everyone, but we should not always inconvenience the same people.

In short, practice inconvenience in how you think about your time and that of your colleagues, because it will help you to care better, and make for a more equitable workplace.

Notes

[1] Let me hereby thank the few West Coast colleagues over the years who have woken up super early, or went to bed really late. They exist. They’re the best. <3

[2] I am not sure if it’s a general rule, or one that was shaped through organizational culture. It might well be that in other organizations with a different location of power, this trend is reversed.

Time Zone Trickery (Part 1) - Defining Working Hours

notafish — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 15:05:00 +0200

(Warning, this post contain 24 hour format times, brace yourself.)

I work for an organization that spans many time zones. We have staff located from New Zealand to the West Coast of the United States, which literally is a whole day away.

Of course during this pandemic we’ve been thinking a lot about how to do remote work. What are the norms, expectations, rules we should develop so that we take advantage of being a culturally diverse and distributed organization? We think those advantages bring all sorts of cool edges to our work. How do we take advantage of , while at the same time making sure that the quality of the work environment we can offer is good, for everyone.

A bike with lots of clocks attached to it. Photo by © Ronan Furuta on Unsplash

Of all the things it takes to develop a quality environment for staff, one is how we go about paying attention to our geographic distribution, and how we go about time zones. There are many aspects to working in different time zones. I’m starting with a necessary definition for working hours.

My team spans 4 and a half continents. To give you the measure of this, when ColleagueA wakes up on the US West Coast, it is midnight for ColleagueB in Asia. My colleagueC based in Africa and I are actually the lucky ones, because we sit somewhere in the middle, with acceptable time overlap with all the others.

By acceptable time overlap, I mean that we have a few windows that allow us to speak with our colleagues when both of us are within "working hours". My mornings are Asia's afternoons, my late afternoons are America's mornings. And Africa and I can have lunch together, all of this within working hours!

What are “working hours”?

The pandemic has thrown all normalcy out the window, but for the sake of agreeing on something, let’s decide that "working hours” go from 8.00 (that’s morning) to 19.00 (that would be evening). In France for example, this is a standard workday span.

Considering that we're expected to work about 8 hours a day, some people will start at 8.00 and finish around 17.00, others will start at 10.00 and finish around 19.00, with probably a lot of combinations in between. An hour for lunch somewhere in the middle and you have your 8-hour workday.

Any time before or after these times I decide to consider ‘’inconvenient times’’. Why? Simply because they often are at odds with how life is sliced for many of us. Anything work-related that happens outside the 8.00 to 19.00 span becomes somewhat-to-terribly inconvenient for anyone leading a conventional life^[1].

For example:

Social life: dinner at friends, after work drinks, women night out, date night, board game night, cinema night, restaurant opening times, you name it.
Environment-bound life: the evening news start time is set per country, your favorite show is set to run in a time window that assumes you’re back from the office, shops are open at specific times that fit the local context, your ballet lessons or language courses offer evening slots, etc..
Family life: school hours (that start before you go to work), your partner's office hours, dinner with the kids, family pizza movie night, the nanny’s usual working hours, elderly-home visiting times, etc..

Keeping in mind these things is a good idea when you work with people in other geographies than yours. But time zones are tricky, so it's good to know where to begin.

How can I be mindful of time zone trickery^[2]? It's simple, just talk to people

I think the underlying rule would be: don’t do to others what you don’t want them to do to you. Would you want to have an important meeting at 21.00 in the middle of your Thursday evening crime series? Or at a time where you’ve been up for more than 15 hours? Probably not. Do you want to be part of a work heavy meeting at 5.00 in the morning? There’s a good chance not. Be mindful, but as I said, time zones are tricky. Don't assume.

A few weeks back I read this newsletter from Raw Signal Group about the future of remote work, post-pandemic. It’s a great read. One thing really stuck out for me:

The biggest impediment to the future of work is how easy it is to remember the people close to you, and how easy it is to forget those further away. These are the problems that stem from a lack of care.

Actually, the answer to time zone trickery is: care.

Here is how you can start to care:

Before a meeting, make sure you know where people are located.
Once you know, use the right tools to schedule meetings across time zones (there are about a billion on the internetz, Google or Duck Duck Go are your friends).
Even when you have that information, don’t ever (and I mean, ever) assume that you know what time is good for others. Not everyone has the same life you have. Some people (like me) have adapted their work routines to accommodate and will take meetings at times you do not expect. They’ve adapted, so they go run errands or pick up their kids at daycare at times that might have been convenient for you to meet. Or they haven’t, and have evening meals to prepare, afternoon classes to attend or morning school runs to do. People like to make their own decisions, as to when they do what.
Never, ever assume that people don’t mind staying up late, or getting up early because they’ve done it before, but never assume the contrary either, that it might be too late for them, or too early.
This said, never forget what power you may hold over people because sometimes they don't know how to say no.

In short, just talk to people to find a time that works. This will go a long long way.

Being mindful might not be enough, depending on where the balance of power lies, but I’ll tackle that in my next post, where I’ll talk about “inconvenience” and how being really inclusive and mindful means more than talking to people. For now, really, ask people before you move meetings around, or add meetings to their calendar. It does for nice human interactions, too.

This post has a sequel: Time-zone trickery part II - Practicing Inconvenience

Notes

[1] We could write a whole post, or even a whole book on conventional vs unconventional, so I would be grateful if you could bear with me on this, and if we left that conversation aside for this once. I’ll be happy to have it another time.

[2] credit to my friend Tanveer for coining the term ;-)

Livre : Les enfants sont rois (Delphine de Vigan)

notafish — Wed, 12 May 2021 23:22:00 +0200

Les enfants sont rois, Gallimard, 2021
Auteure : Delphine de Vigan

Critique à chaud... Quelle fin abrupte ! C'est probablement la chose que je regrette vraiment dans ce roman autrement bien mené. La fin, qui n'en est pas une.

La virtuosité avec laquelle les personnages de Mélanie et Clara sont dépeints dans leurs vie parallèles, l'une éclairant l'autre, la description de la vie de l'une apportant du sens à la compréhension de la vie de l'autre. Franchement deux grands personnages féminins, soutenus, forts, complexes, même dans leur simplicité. La première partie du roman leur fait la part belle et son dénouement était pour moi aussi surprenant qu'il était logique.

La deuxième partie du roman en revanche m'a semblé superflue. Pour commencer, j'ai eu un peu de mal avec le saut dans le futur. Ensuite, si deuxième partie il doit y avoir, il serait bon de la développer jusqu'au bout et de ne pas laisser les lecteur.ice.s sur leur faim. J'ai trouvé bizarre de réintroduire des personnages, de donner envie de savoir ce qu'ils sont devenus, et que l'auteure les laisse tomber aussi vite, de façon aussi plate. J'aurais aimé les suivre plus longtemps, découvrir mieux ce que leurs expériences de 2020 leur avait apporté/fait. À l'issue de la lecture, j'imagine cent fins possibles. Peut-être était-ce là le but de la romancière, me donner l'occasion d'inventer ma fin, mais je crois que je lui en veux un peu de ne pas m'avoir tenu la main plus longtemps.

Sur le côté dénonciateur du roman, je le comprends, le conçois et le connais, même s'il est un peu unilatéral dans la représentation de ce monde compliqué qu'est notre monde devenu numérique. Je partage certaines des peurs exprimées pour mes enfants et moi-même, même si je vois aussi les côtés positifs que certains des outils apportent à notre vie de tous les jours. Le trait est un peu forcé et peint une minorité plutôt qu'une large réalité (tout le monde ne devient pas YouTuber qui gagne sa vie). Du coup, qu'en dire ? Je pense que le roman peut servir à ouvrir les yeux de ce qui n'y connaissent pas grand-chose, ou se laissent endormir par les paillettes et le rose. Le message, notamment passé par le collègue de Clara lorsqu'il se rend compte que ses filles connaissent par cœur ce monde qu'il découvre à travers l'enquête, est clair : nous ne savons pas vraiment ce que nos enfants regardent, ce dont le web est vraiment fait. Ceci dit je trouve que ce qui fait l'attrait de ce roman n'est pas tant cette dénonciation mais plutôt les deux personnages de femme et leur approche tellement différente de la vie. Chacun y trouvera probablement quelque chose, qui un peu de policier pour un roman de plage, qui un peu de culture numérique, qui des personnages intéressants. Je suis de ces dernières, ni plus, ni moins.

⭐⭐⭐ (trois étoiles) sur Goodreads

N'importe quoi - Les mots que j'aime

notafish — Tue, 23 Mar 2021 08:45:00 +0100

Est-ce que n'importe quoi compte même comme un mot ? Je l'aime avec le ton :

– "N'importe quoi !"

– "Non, mais c'est vraiment n'importe quoi !"

Il y faut la grimace aussi. Les yeux au ciel peut-être, la bouche qui se tord en un mini rictus un peu condescendant.

J'aime surtout l'idée qu'il est intraduisible. Un peu comme truc, mais en mieux. Pas de n'importe quoi en allemand. Il est unique et permet de prendre la vie au second degré. C'est vraiment, vraiment n'importe quoi cette pandémie, ce confinement, ce monde fou. N'importe quoi !

Livre : Coquelicot et autres mots que j'aime (Anne Sylvestre)

notafish — Mon, 22 Mar 2021 17:07:00 +0100

Coquelicot et autres mots que j'aime, Points
Auteure : Anne Sylvestre

Le 30 novembre 2020 mourrait Anne Sylvestre, grande dame de la chanson française. Plus qu'une grande dame de la chanson française, elle est aussi ma chanteuse préférée. Depuis toujours. Donc logique que l'on m'offre son ouvrage, le seul "livre" qu'elle ait écrit. Coquelicot et autres mots que j'aime est un livre de mots. Des petits mots, ou des gros, des longs des courts, des savants et des inventés fous. Autant de mots qu'elle aime, maltraite, susurre ou crie. Des mots aussi variés que transhumance, franfreluche et falbala, écluse, pourtant, ou livre. Pour chaque mot elle raconte une histoire, ou un sentiment, une ou des choses que ce mot éveillent en elle. Histoires d'enfance, d'aujourd'hui, de demain, elle joue avec les mots, leurs sonorités, leurs couleurs. Coquelicot est un petit livre pour les soirées d'hiver (ou de pandémie) à lire seul ou en famille, en club-du-livre ou en douce. Un recueil de pensées et de mots qui rappellent les chansons d'Anne Sylvestre. Elle y manie la langue comme à son habitude, tout en douceur, tout en vérité, tout en tendresse. Même pour les mots et les tomates qu'elle déteste. Comme ses chansons à écouter absolument, un livre à lire, absolument.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (cinq étoiles) sur Goodreads

Day 38908765 of the pandemic

notafish — Mon, 08 Mar 2021 11:09:00 +0100

It is day 38908765 of the pandemic. We're still surviving, but barely. I have tamed the tears. Not in a way that keeps them tucked in, but in a way that brings them out whenever, without having to feel guilty or bad or anything really. Tears just are and I let them fall and it is ok.

Fat Is All I Ever Think About and It’s Exhausting

notafish — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 12:03:00 +0200

My fat belly button

(à ma soeur Cécile, with thanks.)^[1]

A few days ago, after listening to the last episode of S-Town and enjoying it so much, I listened to an episode of This American Life, “Tell Me I’m Fat”. It is really really interesting, and you should listen to it, whether or not you are fat yourself. That’s where I heard this sentence: “Fat is all i ever think about and it’s exhausting” (Roxane Gay being interviewed about her life and her book Hunger). You, average-normal-weight person reading this, you have no idea how exhausting. Others, my fellow fat friends, I know you hear me.

I have stopped smoking 290 and some days ago. In the wake of that, I have put on about 7 kilos, bringing me to a whooping 130 kg, my heaviest ever. And ever since I’ve hit that 130 kg milestone, I realized that I think about being fat every day. Every. Day. Probably 50 times a day, actually. I think about it in the morning trying to fit in old summer clothes. I think about it at lunch time trying to think what I am going to eat. I think about it when one of my best friends, who weighs half my weight for about my size, tells me she is on a diet because she is “too fat”. I think about it when my daughter, who is 9, tells me that someone close to her has told her that she should “pay attention because you also err on the fat side, like your mother and your father, but I’m not allowed to tell them”. I think about it when I look at my husband and see his double chin. I think about it when I am on a plane and take so much space, or when the belt is too short (seriously). I thought about it all the time in Barcelona, because the freaking chairs all had armrests and my butt wouldn’t fit. I actually had bruises on my thighs from sitting in chairs too tight. I thought about it last week at the hospital when I saw the feeble chairs in the waiting room and was afraid they would break- actually, I think about chairs all the time, so imagine my relief realizing that I was not alone when in the podcast, Lindy West’s sighs about them. “Chairs. SIGH” ^[2]. I think about it when I can’t find a ring for my finger size. I think about it when I sit on at the end of a Bier Garnitur kind of bench, and know I could lift people at the other end just by sitting. I think about it when I arrive at a friend’s house and need to assess how sturdy the bed is in the guest bedroom. Of course I think about it when I find myself in front of a mirror. All. The. Time.

“The way we are taught to think about fatness is that fat is not a permanent state. You’re just a thin person who’s failing constantly your whole life”.

— Lindy West

This is so true. And now I realize how unfair this is. Failing, constantly, your whole life. My neighbor, with whom I have a pretty superficial but very cordial relationship, noticed when I had lost weight 3 years ago (I was probably 15 kg lighter then). Today, she doesn’t say anything, but she gives me kuddos when she drives by my Nordic-walking-self sweating in the hot summer mornings. The first thing my parents often say to me when they see me after months is “Oh, you lost weight”. Or they shut up. Then I know I’ve gained weight. My husband never tells me I’m beautiful, the only remarks he makes are about my t-shirt being too short and my belly showing. To be fair, I don’t often tell him he’s beautiful either, so there’s that. Reflecting on all this today, I realize that every time I meet someone, I am thinking “I am fat, will they like me anyway?”. It’s never as crisp as that, never as clear as this in my mind, but it’s there, that “anyway”. Even worse if the people are beautiful. There’s this basic idea in my mind that beautiful people don’t love fat people. For what it’s worth, I know for a fact this is not true as I have an array of beautiful friends, but still, it’s a thing in my mind.

When I tell people I weigh 130 kg, they don’t believe me. According to world wide accepted health regulations , I am obese, Obesity Class III (there are only three classes, just sayin’). In some circles, it’s called morbid obesity — I love that passage in the podcast, when Ira Glass picks up on this.

Ira Glass: Is the official name of what you are morbidly obese? That’s the medical term?

Roxane Gay: No, the medical term is super morbidly obese.

Ira Glass: It’s so mean.

You know what morbid means? Let me refresh your memory:

MORBID: adjective

 1. suggesting an unhealthy mental state or attitude; unwholesomely gloomy, sensitive, extreme, etc.:
a morbid interest in death.
2. affected by, caused by, causing, or characteristic of disease.
3.pertaining to diseased parts:
morbid anatomy.
4.gruesome; grisly.''

From dictionary.com

Yep. So people look at me and don’t see me obese. The thing is, I can carry myself, I can out-swim pretty much anyone who swims decently at the pool on a breaststroke 1000 m race, I can actually Nordic-walk 5 km quite easily, I do pilates and although I’m not super good at it, I’m also not a flan; I can carry my 9-year old daughter in my arms, I can move boxes and unload IKEA furniture from the car, I can throw a ball and climb a mountain and when the long tail of jetlag hits me at 5.00 am in San Francisco I can go for a 40 minutes walk up and down the hill. I have legs that look like legs, and breasts that look like breasts, a body, in short, that looks like a body. I don’t “look” 130 kg. I don’t look morbid either. But don’t get me wrong, don’t try to make me feel better. I am fat. Very fat.

I went on my first diet at age 12. I remember it very well, it was Atkins I think, and I “loved” it because I got to eat emmental with mustard in the morning before going to school and frankly, if I can choose, I’d rather eat emmental than muesli in the morning. I am thinking to myself that I didn’t go on this diet at age 12 of my own will and I remember my father went on the diet with me. This was the beginning of a long life of “I did diets”. I did acupuncture (I seriously had mini needles in my ears that I needed to stimulate with a magnet every day). I tried the supplements, maybe Slim Fast, or other crazy things. I did more diets. Dissociated, home-made, summer-magazine diets, I did them all. I took nutrition classes (in which I realized that my eating habits were damn good, actually). I am even seeing a shrink (ok, for other things too, being 45 and all). I am saying this, people, to tell you that I have tried. I really have. So hard you wouldn’t imagine. And so far, it all failed. Or, and that is what is so new today, after listening to this podcast, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I am just fat. And that’s it. And maybe I shouldn’t care.

That’s the catch though, I do care. When my mother told my daughter she was fat, a few months ago, and made her stand on the scale, when my mother in law did the same a few days ago, I lost it. It’s one thing to have heard that all my life, it’s another that anyone should make my daughter go through the same thing I went through. She’s 9. Let’s get real. She’s not fat. She’s so not fat. And even if she were, well, leave her alone. I’ve talked about this with her. And the hardest thing to tell her was “I’m fat, you know.” She answered “no you’re not!” I had to insist. “I *am* fat”. And it’s ok to know this. And it’s ok to say it, as it is to say to someone that they have blue eyes, or that they’re tall, or that they’re wearing a green shirt.

Well, I know for a fact that it is not really socially accepted but I am working so hard to make it normal. I don’t want her to suffer, not from what people tell her about herself, and not from people tell her about me. But it’s so hard. It is so deeply ingrained in me even. I see her mini belly, the healthy belly of a 9 year old and I see all the cogs going off in my head…”She’s heading my way”. People tell me she looks just like me and it makes me both cry and laugh. Laugh because she is so beautiful, cry because I so don’t want her to grow up to be like me. Fat.

So I’ve tried to do with her what nobody did with me. I’ve tried to debunk the word fat, make it normal, and I’ve told her:

“When someone tells you you’re fat and you should go on a diet, thank them for looking out for you, but then, look them in the eye and tell them that this is your body, and that you are the best placed to take care of it. Thank-you-very-much.”

So. I guess now it’s my turn. Thank you for worrying that I am fat, looking out for me and finding me excuses, finding me healthy anyway (well, you’re mostly well educated adults reading this, so you’d probably not say it out loud, right?). The thing is, it’s my body, and it is absolutely none of your concern. I’m taking care of it. Thank-you-very-much.

And leave my daughter alone, she’s so beautiful.

Notes

[1] This blogpost was first published on Medium

[2] You can read the This American Life podcast transcript here, but if you can, take an hour and listen to it.

Live Long And Prosper

notafish — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 17:21:00 +0100

(Musings On The Importance of a Common Pop Culture) ^[1]''

Vulcan Salute - D. Ménard - CC-BY-SA

I have never seen Star Trek. I mean, I may have gotten a glimpse of one or the other episodes of the Original Series, and I have been to see one of the Star Trek films on the big screen. But I am just not versed in Star Trek lore. Just so you know, I have had to research the omnipresent #LLAP hastag that had flourished upon Leonard Nimoy's death, and the "Live Long And Prosper" line. Now I know. Vulcan salute. But still. I know nothing about Star Trek. My husband is a trekkie. Kind of. I mean, he's seen them all (or almost) and when he holds his hand up, his fingers make the Vulcan salute on their own, without him helping it along.

My not understanding the Live Long And Prosper line brought me to reflect on the importance of common references. It was strange seeing my timeline(s) full of something I didn't understand. So many people I knew were talking about something I did not understand and made me feel kind of out of place for a second. A feeling that rings a bell though. Living with someone my age but who grew up in a different country brings about these sudden blanks: "Huh? What are you talking about?" which leave you somewhat puzzled.

What? You don't know {insert here cartoon character, bedtime story, well-known song}? What's wrong with you?

Well, nothing is wrong with us. It's just that these things that have made me and so many other French children of my generation have no bearing whatsoever on German children of the same generation, and vice-versa. An interesting thought, because I am raising bilingual and bicultural kids and it is funny to see them coming back from (the French) school singing recess rhymes in French that I recognize from my school days, and others in German that I have no clue about, but that my husband hums along.

Sometimes it is frustrating not to be able to share with someone so close to you a memory you can so easily share with strangers of your own country. Sometimes it makes for interesting conversations, when trying to explain how something has actually touched/moved/affected you (and of course a whole generation). Childhood common grounds are rare across language and country. They are easier to find as time passes though. The pop culture of our 20s or 30s tends to be more international, and we have more in common. While my husband has not seen Friends (which is kind of creepy), we have both heard and sung 99 Luftballons or Voyage Voyage and we've both watched the Eurovision numerous times making fun of it in the same way, even if rooting for different artists.

I guess though that our real common culture starts when we met. While this means that we have built our relationship on fewer common roots than other people, we will probably need to work harder at building our own foundations. It makes for more creativity in choosing the building materials, and sometimes brings about unnecessarily reinventing the wheel, but it keeps us on our toes. And the cool part is, our kids are our common roots … rooted in the future. Culture it forward.

Note

[1] This blogpost was first published on Medium

The Zebra and the Lion

notafish — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 12:57:00 +0100

Why Humans Stress Out and Animals Don’t (As Much) ^[1]

Zebra, Eastern Serengeti — Harvey Barrison — CC-BY 2.0

I took a MOOC at EdX some months back, titled "Becoming a Resilient Person: The Science of Stress Management and Promoting Wellbeing". I wanted to try MOOCs and I thought this subject would be an interesting one to test the process and software without putting too much stress (heh!) on myself, since this is somewhat of a light workload course in comparison to others I might be interested in. To illustrate Man's response to stress, Clayton Cook, the instructor for this course, gave us an image which he borrowed from Robert Sapolsky. Let me retell this story here:

Imagine a zebra grazing in the Serengeti Plains. Comes a lion, the zebra goes under stress and starts to run away. When it has put itself out of reach of the lion, it goes back to grazing as if nothing had ever happened. Basically, the zebra, after activating a normal stress response, in this case flight - out of three possible stress responses freeze, flight or fight - , goes back to homeostasis, a balanced and regulated state of body and mind. The lion is the stressor, when the stressor is gone, everything is back to normal and grazing can resume. If you or I were grazing in those same plains and the lion came, our response (flight) would probably be the same, but we'd probably end up a few miles away skirting across the savana, looking over our shoulder, anticipating a lion behind every bush. In short, it is not so sure that we would go back to grazing happily ever after once the lion is gone.

Why is that? (One of ) The difference(s) between a zebra and a human being, is that the human brain allows us to think more deeply than other animals. This has something to do with our frontal lobe being the seat of our "why make things simple when they can be complicated" reactions, or in better words, the part of our brain where rational decisions happen. Long story short, this part of our brain allows us to anticipate what might happen in the future and prolong what has happened in the past. Very helpful when we're anticipating possible danger and change course accordingly, or when we're excited at the prospect of a fun birthday party, also good when we feel gratitude towards things we have been granted in the past. The downside is, we can also carry the stressors with us although they are long gone (prolongation), or be afraid to move at all because we think something terrible is going to happen (anticipation).

Since I've heard that story, when I am stressed out, I try to assess how present the source of my stress actually is. Is it something that's really here and now or is it something I am carrying along unnecessarily, or dreading without real reason? Even if finding the answer proves difficult, sometimes just asking myself the question helps me add enough perspective to reduce the stress level. My new motto: be a zebra.

Note

[1] This blogpost was first published on Medium

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui boniface

notafish — Thu, 24 Oct 2013 07:39:00 +0200

Aujourd’hui boniface (Se dit d’une personne d’un caractère bénin, crédule, presque jusqu’à la niaiserie)

Il aura fallu un réveil au carillon douloureux (qui, vraiment, aime se réveiller avant l'heure ?), quelques coups de couteau aiguisé et ceux, désordonnés, d'une hache qui arrache au rêve ses filaments de nuages d'argent pour que je me réveille. J'ai appris une chose : La chance n'est que ça, de la chance. Et toutes les statistiques le disent, parfois elle t'échappe, la chance. Quelle boniface je fais, qui ai cru qu'elle resterait mon alliée par delà vents et marées, ou tout simplement, au fil du temps.

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui aboucher

notafish — Mon, 05 Aug 2013 08:51:00 +0200

Aujourd’hui aboucher (Mettre face à face, en conférence)

Aboucher mon moi avec mon moi-même. Tout un programme. Que j'entreprends avec circonspection et cependant une paix intérieure jusque là jamais connue. Merci mon amie.

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui tissure

notafish — Sun, 30 Jun 2013 22:51:00 +0200

Aujourd’hui tissure (Liaison de ce qui est tissé)

Ce n'est pas tant la texture que la tissure qui retient l'attention. La façon dont les fils se croisent et se décroisent pour former un motif inconnu jusqu'alors. Dessus dessous dedans dehors. Je suis faite de ces étoffes mais jamais l'ouvrage ne m'a fascinée à ce point. L'amitié est une belle toile.

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui battologue

notafish — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 18:34:00 +0200

Aujourd’hui battologue (Écrivain qui se répète)

Depuis que j'ai commencé mon défi d'écrire une lettre tous les deux jours en moyenne, je m'étonne du fait de n'être pas tombé dans le travers du battologue. Mes lettres peuvent parfois raconter la même chose, mais aucune ne se ressemble dans la narration d'un même fait. Et même, j'irai jusqu'à dire que je me suis à peine répétée. Exercice concluant et hautement satisfaisant.

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui tantinet

notafish — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 21:48:00 +0200

Aujourd’hui tantinet (Une très petite quantité)

Certaines personnes ne savent pas écouter, ou plutôt, ne savent pas entendre, ce qui m'énerve un tantinet. Parfois cependant, je crois que certaines choses passent tout simplement bien au dessus de la faculté de perception de ces certaines personnes. Cela, en revanche, est un sujet d'observation ma foi fort intéressant.

30in60 - Quatorzième lettre - Marie-Amélie

notafish — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 15:10:00 +0200

Marie-Amélie est ma cousine (oui, encore une, j'ai un nombre de cousins incalculable) et là tout de suite, il fallait que je lui écrive, parce que sa grand-mère, qui était ma grand-tante, vient de s'éteindre. Du coup cette lettre est une lettre qui parle un peu de la famille, des gens qui s'en vont et de ceux qui restent.

On dit toujours que les paroles s'envolent et que les écrits restent. C'est très vrai, et c'est très faux aussi. Je pense qu'on peut être plus blessé par un mauvais mot que par une mauvaise lettre, parce que la lettre, on peut la lire et la relire et que connaître quelque chose par coeur aide à l'apprivoiser, à minimiser la souffrance, alors qu'un mot lancé qui blesse et sur lequel on ne peut pas revenir, c'est souvent une blessure ouverte.

Mais je me perds ; ma lettre, je l'espère, n'est pas mauvaise. Juste un signe que sans être là, je suis là, à ses côtés, pour les jours qui viennent et qui ne seront certainement pas très gais.

Destination : Levallois Perret
Temps estimé : 2-3 jours
Pages : 4
Lettre écrite le : 13/06/2013
Lettre mise à la Poste le : 13/06/2013
Arrivée le : ?

''Qu'est-ce donc que ce truc-là ?- Je tente d'écrire 30 lettres en 60 jours (et quelques) à trente personnes. Tout est expliqué là.

30in60 - Thirteenth letter - Patricio

notafish — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 14:53:00 +0200

I wrote Patricio's letter while sitting in the garden, looking at my kids play. And life was good. So the letter is a set of reflections upon how a letter really is something that we have lost a bit, and how life goes too fast and we want instantaneity and that everything happens right now, right there.

And then I talked about my kids, and being a parent. Just a letter.

Destination : Buenos Aires, Argentina
Estimated time : 6-8 days
Pages : 3
Letter written on : 10/06/2013
Letter sent : 12/06/2013
Arrived : ?

What's this about?- I'm trying to write 30 letters in 60 days (and some), it's all explained here

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui forligner

notafish — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 23:40:00 +0200

Aujourd’hui forligner (Dégénérer de la vertu de ses ancêtres)

M'est avis que je forligne et que mes ancêtres étaient bien plus braves et travailleurs que je ne le suis. Certainement moins procrastinateurs, aussi.

30in60 - Douzième lettre - Anna

notafish — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 23:21:00 +0200

Le vrai nom d'Anna est Anne, mais vu que j'ai une autre Anne dans mes destinataires et que toutes les deux habitent à Lyon et que le vrai surnom de cette Anne là est Anna, du coup, Anna. Bref, pas important.

Voilà une lettre qui m'a surprise dès les premières lignes en fait. J'étais partie pour parler de trucs très cools, comme le bilinguisme ou vivre à l'étranger ou Mère Thérésa (certaines des choses qu'Anna et moi aimons à discuter) et puis non, je suis partie sur un tout autre sujet. Un autre sujet qui m'est tout aussi important (surtout en ce moment) mais duquel en fait je n'avais jamais vraiment parlé avec elle. Je ne livrerai pas ici ce sujet, ce sera notre secret.

Ce que j'ai appris en revanche en écrivant cette lettre, c'est que parfois quand on prend la plume, même si on sait exactement ce que l'on veut écrire, la lettre a une vie propre. La plume se balade au gré des mots et change de voie ou de sens sans crier gare. Il suffit d'une interruption, d'un changement de cadre, d'un oiseau qui passe pour que le cerveau guide le stylo sur de toutes autres chemins. C'est assez déroutant, mais parfois (souvent) beau.

Destination : Lyon
Temps estimé : 2-3 jours
Pages : 5
Lettre écrite le : 07/06/2013
Lettre mise à la Poste le : 08/06/2013
Arrivée le : ?

''Qu'est-ce donc que ce truc-là ?- Je tente d'écrire 30 lettres en 60 jours (et quelques) à trente personnes. Tout est expliqué là.

30in60 - Onzième lettre - Nathalie

notafish — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 11:41:00 +0200

Les adeptes des statistiques verront bien que la taille de cette lettre dépasse de beaucoup celle des précédentes. C'est parce que je n'ai parlé que de moi. Et que moi, vous voyez, je suis importante, donc je prends de la place. Pour donner un peu de contexte, j'ai rencontré Nathalie il y a peu de temps, donc elle ne sait rien de moi. Enfin, rien de concret. Du coup, je me devais de la briefer un peu.

Je l'avais déjà écrit à Gaëlle et c'est une vraie révélation de cet exercice, parler de soi est l'apanage de la lettre papier. En fait, tu peux écrire des pages et des pages sur ta pomme et les envoyer sans même avoir l'impression d'avoir monopolisé la conversation. Parce qu'une lettre, son destinataire va l'ouvrir, la lire d'un trait, ou de deux, ou en quinze jours, ou en deux heures avec un café au milieu, ou même jamais et prétendre qu'il ne l'a jamais reçue. Une lettre, c'est, contrairement à tous ces moyens de communication virtuels dont nous raffolons tous, un truc que tu donnes complètement à une personne, dont elle peut faire ce qu'elle veut. Tu l'envoies et elle ne n'appartient plus, mais elle n'appartient qu'à un seul autre (qui a bien sûr le droit de la faire lire au monde entier, mais, bon, c'est lui qui prend la décision). C'est magique pour celui qui l'écrit. Pas sûre que ce soit toujours magique pour celui qui la reçoit.

Je tiens à dire que la réaction de Nathalie a été "Tu te livres un peu mais pas trop...". Neuf pages (!). Donc que ceux qui ne reçoivent que la moitié des pages ne se sentent pas brimés, on peut écrire beaucoup pour ne rien dire. La quantité ne fait pas (toujours) la qualité.

Destination : Francfort
Temps estimé : 1 jour (ouvré)
Pages : 9
Lettre écrite le : 06/06/2013
Lettre mise à la Poste le : 07/06/2013
Arrivée le : 08/06/2013

''Qu'est-ce donc que ce truc-là ?- Je tente d'écrire 30 lettres en 60 jours (et quelques) à trente personnes. Tout est expliqué là.

notablog

Two Minds, a Tune

Time Zones Trickery (Part 2) - Practicing Inconvenience For a More Equitable Workplace

How does West Coast Centrism manifest?

To adapt or not to adapt

On Privilege, Power and Inconvenience

The solution? Seek to be actively inconvenienced.

Notes

Time Zone Trickery (Part 1) - Defining Working Hours

What are “working hours”?

How can I be mindful of time zone trickery[2]? It's simple, just talk to people

Notes

Livre : Les enfants sont rois (Delphine de Vigan)

N'importe quoi - Les mots que j'aime

Livre : Coquelicot et autres mots que j'aime (Anne Sylvestre)

Day 38908765 of the pandemic

Fat Is All I Ever Think About and It’s Exhausting

Notes

Live Long And Prosper

(Musings On The Importance of a Common Pop Culture) [1]''

Note

The Zebra and the Lion

Why Humans Stress Out and Animals Don’t (As Much) [1]

Note

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui boniface

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui aboucher

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui tissure

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui battologue

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui tantinet

30in60 - Quatorzième lettre - Marie-Amélie

30in60 - Thirteenth letter - Patricio

Obsolètes - Aujourd’hui forligner

30in60 - Douzième lettre - Anna

30in60 - Onzième lettre - Nathalie

How can I be mindful of time zone trickery^[2]? It's simple, just talk to people

(Musings On The Importance of a Common Pop Culture) ^[1]''

Why Humans Stress Out and Animals Don’t (As Much) ^[1]